Kinect ‘Steals Your Immortal Soul’

The speculation that the always-on Kinect device can spy on you remotely has finally been quashed this week, with many tech sites reporting quite rightly that this is simply not possible. It is believed that in a no-holds-barred cost-cutting exercise, Microsoft has refused to employ one person to watch you for every Kinect unit sold.

“Kinect watches you because it enjoys it,” says industry analyst Mike Alpaca. “The ‘nod’ the device gives you when the machine switches on is merely a guilty attempt to convince you that it hasn’t been watching you the whole time.”

However, news has reached us just this morning that a redundant chip which became a part of the device’s PCB early in its development, has been left inside some of those units first off the production line due to cost issues, and according to Alpaca, there is a danger that those Kinect units may burgle your immortal soul clean out of your body.

“It’s a very simple process,” says Alpaca. “In mapping your body, the Kinect unit gets a pretty good idea of how big you are and where all your limbs are located. An unwanted side-effect of this mapping is the accidental theft of your immortal soul. In extreme cases, it’s sucked in through Kinect’s eye and pumped though an ethernet cable running directly into Hades, where it’s forced to fight magic bears.”

Worrying news indeed.

But we can protect ourselves, “It can’t steal your soul if you’re wearing glasses, baggy clothing or are playing in a messy room,” Alpaca added.